We are not the creators of Growing Up Cullen. We are mere fans who decided it was time for an update. The original can be found here.

Pants: I’m imagining a family goodwill trip to Africa.
*Jasper lurks in the shade of the Baobob tree*
Socks: While Alice flits around, trying to plan a group birthday party for all the poor kids
P: And Rosalie sits in the airconditioned Land Rover, complaining loudly about how the humidity is wreaking havoc on her hair.
Emmett’s off trying to teach the natives to play football.
S: and they totally don’t get it
P: I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT SOCCER. SOCCER IS A PANSY SPORT.
FOOTBALL IS THE AMERICAN WAY.
S: While Edward is off…sulking
P: Because his sweaters creep the kids out.
S: *jasper’s head pops out from behind the land rover*
Edward writes somber poetry about how unfair life is
while Emmett throws the football at him, repeatedly, because the kids have lost his interest
Edward ignores him for a while, but when all else fails, Emmett starts thinking about the woman in Tijuana and the donkey again and starts him on a rant
P: EMMETT. I AM IN THE ZONE. YOUR CHILDISH ANTICS DO NOT HELP MY WRITINGS. I AM TRYING TO EXPAND THESE CHILDREN’S HORIZONS.
S: WILL YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND ME???
I’M PERFECTING MY ART!!!

P: Edward totally has a dead journal.
TODAY I SAT IN THE ATTIC WITH THE BATS.
S: EVEN THEY WERE AFRAID OF ME
MY LIFE IS NOTHING WITHOUT BELLA
P: EMMETT CALLED ME GOTH AND I WAS OFFENDED.
S: and when edward tried to put it online, emmett totally got his password and started erasing and changing things
he changed the name of the blog from “My Afterlife” to “Losers Anonymous”
P: Edward checks it for comments and Emmett’s posted things like “WHAT A WANKER”
ALL I WANT IS SOME VALIDATION EMMETT. I AM TRYING TO CONNECT WITH MY FELLOW MAN.
I AM TRYING TO SHOW THE DEPTHS OF MY NON-EXISTENT SOUL
S: So Emmett gets a blog and makes it nothing but links to porn sites
and is like HOW’S THAT FOR DEPTH OF NON-EXISTENT SOULS, YOU WANKER
P: All the posts are tagged with Edward Cullen
And when Edward googles himself, all he finds is midget porn.
S: EMMETT, I DON’T THINK IT’S FAIR
NOT FAIR AT ALL
WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME SO??
AND WHAT ABOUT THESE LITTLE PEOPLE??
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY FEEL?
(because he wouldn’t say midget, because that’s SO unpc)
P: THEY HAVE FEELINGS TOO EMMETT, UNLIKE YOURSELF
YOUR FEELINGS FOR ROSALIE DO NOT COUNT. THOSE ARE DIRTY FEELINGS.
S: and in response, Emmett starts thinking of Rosalie and sex and he’s like THOSE DON’T COUNT!!
HAHAHAHA
*mind bullets*

S: One day, Emmett sees Edward IMing with Bella and his screen name is something ridiculous
P: MyNonHeartBleedsForBella
S: and emmett starts in on how he’s such an emo little brat and esme swoops in
P: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING EMOTIONAL EMMETT. BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW, WHAT WITH YOU HAVING A PERSONALITY OF A BOULDER.
Then he feels bad about that later and has to apologize for his heinous outburst.
S:until rose makes a comment about how there’s definitely parts of Emmett that she doesn’t mind being hard as a boulder and Edward loses all composure and runs out into the forest
WHY MUST YOU DEFILE YOURSELF BY SAYING THOSE THINGS, ROSALIE?
he says as he slams the door
He’s gone for 3 days and instead of looking for him, Emmett plays XBOX
P: Bella’s like, uh, where’d Edward go?
And then *Jasper comes out of the shadows*
S: They get a call from the Denali coven
“CAN YOU PLEASE COME GET HIM, HIS CATERWAULING IS SCARING AWAY ALL OUR PREY”
And Carlisle sighs and runs to Alaska to bring him home
P: Tanya says: HE’S HOT AND ALL, BUT REALLY
WE LIKE THE HUMAN MEN BETTER, THEY’RE NOT SO EMO
Which of course starts the whole, it’s okay to be emotional thing again.
S: the whole way home from Alaska, Carlisle is talking Edward down
P: Edward cries out to the heavens: IS THERE NO WHERE I CAN GO TO BE MYSELF?
S: and by that time, they’re back in Forks and Emmett hears him
and yells, “NO, WARDO, THERE ISN’T” AND TACKLES HIM WHILE THINKING OF DIRTY SEX JOKES
the impact of his arrival home drives Edward to go lock himself in the bathroom
P: *Jasper comes out from behind the shower curtain*
S: and then Edward feels bad
I’M SORRY, WERE YOU USING THIS TO CRY? I’LL LEAVE YOU BE
and Jasper laughs
and runs to Alice’s room
EVEN JASPER MOCKS ME
NO ONE LOVES ME EXCEPT MY BELLA

P: He calls Bella to talk and she’s over at Jacob’s
Where she gets no cell reception
When she gets back to Forks she has like twenty texts from Edward
HAVE YOU LEFT ME LOVE?
I PINE FOR YOU.
S: WHERE ARE YOU
PLEASE CALL ME, I MISS YOU DESPERATELY
P: Two seconds later:
BELLA MY NON-HEART IS BREAKING IN TWO
S: so she calls him and says she was in la push
HAVE YOU CHOSEN HIM?
I UNDERSTAND
YOU CAN HAVE A NORMAL HUMAN LIFE, I’LL LEAVE YOU ALONE
and she tells him no, that he’s still it for her and he weeps, without tears
THANK YOU MY LOVE, YOU HAVE SAVED MY HEART AND MIND FROM TERRIBLE SUFFERING
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE, THE ONLY PERFECT BEING, IN MY LIFE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME
P: And she’s like, Uh, thanks Edward.
Love ya too babe.

S: And Emmett’s always mad because Edward is watching Lifetime
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS PANSY CRAP, WARDO??
GROW A PAIR!
Edward looks all confused
P: A PAIR OF WHAT EMMETT?
S: And when Emmett thinks the answer, Edward gets even more confused
I ALREADY HAVE A PAIR OF THOSE, EMMETT, THEY’RE PART OF MY ANATOMY
And Emmett says ‘WELL THEN ACT LIKE IT’ and steals the remote and puts it on, like Nascar
P: YEAH! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO HIT THE WALL TO-NIGHT!

S: and one day, Edward chooses to pick up Yoga
and the only person who will do it with him is Alice
he stops yoga quickly because the positions make Emmett think all kind of impure thoughts, and he yells
IF I COULD BLUSH, I WOULD, YOU INFANTILE MANCHILD!
Alice shrugs and keeps going
P: The yoga instructor shushes him.
S: *jasper sneaks a look at Alice in yoga pants and instantly approves*

S: my iPod started playing Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” and I almost said it was one of Edward’s favorite songs
besides, Edward would only dance to Jamiroquai
P: Emmett “rick rolls” Edward’s blog posts
And Edward totally doesn’t get why it’s funny
Edward totally hearts Center Stage.
S: THAT JODY SAWYER IS TALENTED
HOW DARE THAT COOPER CAD TAKE HER LOVE FOR GRANTED
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO MY BELLA
P: Edward takes ballet lessons and sets up a studio in the basement
He prefers leotards to tights.
S: although
sometimes, when he goes in, he feels sad because he remembers when James bit bella so he goes into a mini-depression
right in the middle of the studio, he collapses on the floor
I AM NOT WORTHY OF HER LOVE
Emmett sees him once and decides his crumpled form would make for good target practice, so he starts throwing things at him
*jasper hides behind the door*
P: Emmett brings a fog machine in the room and writes dirty messages on the mirrors
Then turns on the fog machine when Edward’s in there
S: and draws dirty stick figures
P: WHAT DOES THIS SAY?
S: Edward is chagrined
P: BELLA WOULD NEVER EMMETT
IS THIS RENESMEE AND A DOG?
IT IS NOT JACOB’S FAULT HE IS AN ANIMAL
YOU ARE THE TRUE ANIMAL HERE EMMETT
S: HOW DARE YOU, he yells as he picks up one of the objects emmett threw at him and throws it at the mirror
it breaks and he instantly feels bad
I RUIN EVERYTHING I TOUCH
and he runs back to him room, forlorn

P: He goes hunting in his leotard
IT BREATHES EMMETT
IT IS ALSO COMPLETELY WASHABLE
S: THE FRESH AIR FEELS NICE ON MY SKIN
P: The mountain lions die of laughter before he can kill them
S: so he climbs a tree and stays there for hours
he’s brought a journal in which to record his thoughts
DEAR DIARY, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, I AM ALONE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN EXISTENCE I HAVE
P: Edward totally uses a quill pen and ink

S: ONE DAY, RENESMEE COMES UP TO HIM AND SHOWS HIM EMMETT AND JASPER DANCING AROUND LIKE FAIRIES IN THE BALLET STUDIO, AND LAUGHING
HE SCREAMS
EMERGENCY FAMILY MEETING!!!!
I CAN NO LONGER TOLERATE THIS MOCKERY.
But Bella comes over right in the middle of his rampage and he becomes mush, immediately
OH MY DARLING, I LOVE YOU SO, AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU THERE CAN BE NOTHING WRONG IN THE WORLD
and he sweeps her up the stairs to his room as Emmett makes crude gestures behind him
P: And they spend the entire night cuddling. Bella falls asleep in the middle of Edward talking because she’s so bored.
Edward continues to whisper
S: until she starts snoring
P: So he has to yell
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL EVEN IN SLUMBER
S: she starts awake,afraid maybe he went non-vegan-vamp
P: She moans Jake’s name and Edward gets worried
S: and runs to La Push to confront him
But it’s 4AM and Jake is asleep so he walks along the river, pondering his life

S: also: Edward likes boy band music.