THE COSTCO MEMBERSHIP IS WASTED, JASPER.

Socks: I just got a really funny mental image of Edward listening to the Sex Pistols
Pants: Alice totally made them punks in the 1970s. Rosalie wanted to go disco.
S: Edward whined about dying his gorgeous hair black
Emmett just wanted to go disco because it meant Rose would wear skin tight bell bottoms.
P: Alice called Edward a pansy for not wanting to sport a mohawk
Edward actually had really long hair when he was turned, but had to cut part of it off because it got fried from all the hairspray
S: IT WON’T GROW BACK IF I SHAVE MY HEAD ALICE
Alice just liked the whole punk scene because no one questioned her hair then
P: She tried to pierce her nose but kept breaking all of Edward’s sewing needles.
ALICE! I NEED THOSE FOR MY EMBROIDERY!
S: DON’T YOU WANT A SWEATER FOR CHRISTMAS NEXT YEAR??
P: Alice most certainly did not want another sweater, so she tried to pierce Jasper’s ears, too.

S: Edward also became very bothered when Halloween came around
Emmett thought it would be funny to try to buy plastic fangs
P: And *Jasper liked to wear capes*
S: WHY ARE YOU MOCKING WHAT WE ARE?
MY EXISTENCE IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU DOING SO
P: SOMEONE WILL MAKE THE CONNECTION
I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN, MY ENGLISH TEACHER TOLD ME I HAVE PROMISE AS A POET
S: The final straw was when Bella thought it would be funny and she came dressed as a vamp too
P: And she got red contacts, which scared the crap out of Edward.
Because he thought she had been changed by someone else.
S: HOW? WHAT? WHO DID THIS TO YOU?
Edward was chagrined
Emmett played along
I DID IT WARDO, BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO MUCH OF A PANSY
P: HOW COULD YOU EMMETT?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF A DANGER SHE IS TO HERSELF NOW?
S: Finally, Edward realizes he still hears her heartbeat and tackles Emmett, who laughs as he slams into the wall behind them
P: But not before Emmett makes some crack about them being able to get it on at last.
THE PHEREMONES WERE BEGINNING TO STINK UP THE ENTIRE HOUSE, WARDO.
S: Edward is appalled
His jaw drops to the ground
DO NOT SAY SUCH THINGS EMMETT
YOU DISGUST ME
And he sweeps Bella away and goes to the meadow
P: Where she tries to get him to wear the fangs, because they’re candy.
YOU ARE SUSTENANCE ENOUGH FOR ME, BELLA MY SWEET
He laughs at his own joke while Bella just looks confused because she doesn’t get it.
S: When she does, she elbows him and he is concerned
BELLA, YOU KNOW YOU BRUISE EASILY
P: SHALL I TAKE YOU BACK TO FATHER? YOU MIGHT HAVE BROKEN SOMETHING
S: she tells him she’s fine and asks when they’re going to the party with the rest of the family
I AM CONTENT TO STAY HERE AND HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS MY LOVE
AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
And thus begins another crisis of self for Edward
P: Emmett butts into his inner turmoil and tells him to pick up a case of Bud on the way home, “for the humans”
Alice would want him to run to Napa and pick up some fine wine.
S: and *jasper hides behind his cape*
and then *jasper lurks in a corner*
(for effect of course)
P: *Jasper scares the crap out of all the trick-or-treaters*
S: None of the trick-or-treaters will come back.
Alice gets mad, for once, at Jasper
JASPER WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 20 POUNDS OF CANDY CORN?? WE DON’T EVEN EAT!
P:  THE COSTCO MEMBERSHIP IS WASTED JASPER
S:  But her anger only lasts a moment before Jazz makes her feel all happy
P:  And they head upstairs

S:  Emmett makes Edward angry by making jokes about eating people when they annoy him
THAT LAUREN MALLORY IS A JERK WARDO. I THINK I’LL GET RID OF HER TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
P:  SHE’S PROBABLY GOING TO TASTE AWFUL, THOUGH. LIKE A TON OF PEOPLE MIXED TOGETHER.
Edward doesn’t get what he’s saying at first.
Then he’s shocked by the mental images of a threesome.
EMMETT! THAT IS UNHOLY AND UNHEALTHY.
S: Rosalie got it immediately and wishes they had a third party
and her thoughts make Edward want to throw up, but he can’t
YOU MAKE ME FEEL SICK INSIDE, ROSALIE
P: Emmett can’t help but think of Bella
S: And that sets Edward into a real rage
He attacks Emmett, forgetting he’s like 3x his size
P: They totally destroy the dining room furniture.
S: Esme comes in
P: She complains that they have to replace all the furniture for the third time that month.
S: Alice announces the living room is going to be leopard print now
I JUST SAW IT, she asserts as Edward curls his lip in distaste
The idea of leopard print anything just continues Emmett’s mental images of Bella and Rose
MUST YOU BE SUCH A PIG, Edward cries
BELLA IS MINE, MY ONE AND ONLY
I DO NOT DEFILE ROSALIE WITH SUCH THOUGHTS
P:  Emmett laughs
YOU WOULD IF YOU KNEW WHAT SHE WAS CAPABLE OF IN THE SACK
S:  Bella makes Edward very upset by shrugging in agreement
Emmett points at Bella
I BET IF YOU COULD READ HER MIND, YOU’D BE SHOCKED he says
SHE’S PROBABLY DIRTIER THAN ME SINCE YOU KEEP BEING A WUSS AND NOT SEALING THE DEAL
P: Alice comes down the stairs and adds to the conversation
TRUST ME WARDO, JUST YOU WAIT.
I CAN SEE WHAT SHE’LL DO TO YOU IN THE FUTURE.
EVEN I’VE LEARNED SOME NEW TRICKS FROM HER
S: Edwards jaw drops and everyone can tell he’s thinking about it
TRUST ME, YOU’RE GOING TO NEED SEVERAL SETS OF BEDROOM FURNITURE
P: Alice has to go snap her fingers in Edward’s face because he’s stuck with a glazed look in his eyes
S: Emmett does a fist pump
He’s ecstatic that Edward isn’t gay
I WONDERED IF YOU WERE HIDING, USING BELLA AS A RUSE
P: ROSALIE TOTALLY THOUGHT BELLA WAS A BEARD
Edward flees to the upstairs and locks himself in the shower, trying to clean himself of impure thoughts.
Bella knocks on the door and jokingly asks if she can join him.
After ten hours, Carlisle has to gently remind him that he’s wasting water, which is so not eco-savvy.
HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN FATHER! PLEASE FORGIVE MY WASTEFULNESS.
He buys ten thousand seedlings and plants them in a deforested area in Canada.

WARDO, WE GET IT ALREADY, YOU’RE IN LOOOVE

Pants: BEING EMOTIONAL IS NOT A CRIME
Socks: NOT THAT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT SINCE ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS SEX
SEX SEX SEX, AND I’M SICK OF IT
and then Emmett says he bets Bella thinks of sex all the time and Edward is appalled
P: MY BELLA DOES NOT THINK SUCH THINGS. SHE THINKS OF MAKING LOVE.
IT IS A SACRED VOW BETWEEN TWO LOVERS
S: Emmett laughs
and then *jasper sneaks in from the kitchen*
P: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THAT WHIPPED CREAM JASPER?
YOU KNOW IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU SICK INSIDE
S: JASPER! YOU CANNOT TRULY BE THINKING OF DEFILING ALICE THAT WAY!
P: Alice drifts down the stairs and laughs
JUST YOU WAIT EDWARD, WAIT UNTIL BELLA GETS YOU TO ISLE ESME
S: Edward tries to ignore feeling happy, due to Jasper’s power
and then feels terrible when he realizes he’s looking forward to ‘defiling’ Bella
He calls to apologize to her and she’s confused
P: I AM SORRY FOR THINKING IMPROPER THOUGHTS
S: she tells him he thinks of them often
BELLA, IF MY HEART WERE BEATING IT WOULD HAVE STOPPED
DO NOT RID YOURSELF OF YOUR VIRTUE!
IT IS ALL WE HAVE!
P: Alice peeks her head in to Edward’s bedroom
NOT FOR LONG EDDIE! MUAHAHAHA.
S: Edward and Emmett decide to enroll in an art class
Emmett is totally disinterested until he realizes they’re going to have to sketch the human form
as soon as the teacher announces it, he starts thinking of Rose, which prompts Edward to have a mini-breakdown in the middle of the class
WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY FILTH!
P: The nude model is actually some old hippie dude
and Emmett is totally repulsed
Edward sees art in everything
HIS WRINKLED BICEPS ARE A PARTICULARLY HAUNTING METAPHOR OF THE PRESSURES OF LIVING, DON’T YOU THINK?

S: One day, Edward decides to take up guitar playing
and all his song writing is about Bella
He’s good, but his lyrics make Emmett want to vomit
WARDO, WE GET IT ALREADY, YOU’RE IN LOOOVE
YOU’RE MAKING ME WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF AND I CAN’T EVEN DIE!
P: Emmett tries to shoot himself and it ricochets into Edward’s guitar.
EMMETT! YOU ARE CONTINUALLY A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP!
S: EMMETT! MUST YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT IS BEAUTIFUL?
Emmett laughs and returns to playing Grand Theft Auto 3
P: No, they’re so rich, Emmett already has GTA 7.
S: the test edition
he complains that the women aren’t skanky enough, which upsets Edward enough that he locks himself in his room…again
P: Edward likes to play The Sims
And create little Sims of himself and Bella, being the happy couple
S: but secretly, he whines about it in his journal
DEAR DIARY, HOW I LONG FOR THE SIMS TO BE REAL! HOW I WISH I WASN’T A GENETIC DEAD END AND BELLA AND I COULD HAVE A FAMILY!
And then, true to form, Emmett finds it and ‘defiles’ it
P: He gets the Sims Date expansion pack and the next time Edward logs in, everyone is going at it like rabbits.
S: It’s enough to almost make Edward need a therapist
but instead, he goes to Carlisle
P: Whom he treats like a priest
FATHER, I MUST CONFESS
I HAVE BEEN HAVING UNHOLY THOUGHTS
S: Carlisle smiled graciously
He explains that it’s ok and then changes the subject, but Edward wants to linger in his suffering
He runs to his room and turns on his stereo at full volume, blaring Death Cabs “I will possess your heart” and then “Brick” by Ben Folds
P: He hits the cd changer button again and Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” comes on
S: EMMETT I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!
he yells as he storms down the stairs
His anger has made him forget that he was moping
P: And *Jasper comes out from behind the curtains*

Growing Up Cullen: V.2

We are not the creators of Growing Up Cullen. We are mere fans who decided it was time for an update. The original can be found here.

Pants: I’m imagining a family goodwill trip to Africa.
*Jasper lurks in the shade of the Baobob tree*
Socks: While Alice flits around, trying to plan a group birthday party for all the poor kids
P: And Rosalie sits in the airconditioned Land Rover, complaining loudly about how the humidity is wreaking havoc on her hair.
Emmett’s off trying to teach the natives to play football.
S: and they totally don’t get it
P: I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT SOCCER. SOCCER IS A PANSY SPORT.
FOOTBALL IS THE AMERICAN WAY.
S: While Edward is off…sulking
P: Because his sweaters creep the kids out.
S: *jasper’s head pops out from behind the land rover*
Edward writes somber poetry about how unfair life is
while Emmett throws the football at him, repeatedly, because the kids have lost his interest
Edward ignores him for a while, but when all else fails, Emmett starts thinking about the woman in Tijuana and the donkey again and starts him on a rant
P: EMMETT. I AM IN THE ZONE. YOUR CHILDISH ANTICS DO NOT HELP MY WRITINGS. I AM TRYING TO EXPAND THESE CHILDREN’S HORIZONS.
S: WILL YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND ME???
I’M PERFECTING MY ART!!!

P: Edward totally has a dead journal.
TODAY I SAT IN THE ATTIC WITH THE BATS.
S: EVEN THEY WERE AFRAID OF ME
MY LIFE IS NOTHING WITHOUT BELLA
P: EMMETT CALLED ME GOTH AND I WAS OFFENDED.
S: and when edward tried to put it online, emmett totally got his password and started erasing and changing things
he changed the name of the blog from “My Afterlife” to “Losers Anonymous”
P: Edward checks it for comments and Emmett’s posted things like “WHAT A WANKER”
ALL I WANT IS SOME VALIDATION EMMETT. I AM TRYING TO CONNECT WITH MY FELLOW MAN.
I AM TRYING TO SHOW THE DEPTHS OF MY NON-EXISTENT SOUL
S: So Emmett gets a blog and makes it nothing but links to porn sites
and is like HOW’S THAT FOR DEPTH OF NON-EXISTENT SOULS, YOU WANKER
P: All the posts are tagged with Edward Cullen
And when Edward googles himself, all he finds is midget porn.
S: EMMETT, I DON’T THINK IT’S FAIR
NOT FAIR AT ALL
WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME SO??
AND WHAT ABOUT THESE LITTLE PEOPLE??
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY FEEL?
(because he wouldn’t say midget, because that’s SO unpc)
P: THEY HAVE FEELINGS TOO EMMETT, UNLIKE YOURSELF
YOUR FEELINGS FOR ROSALIE DO NOT COUNT. THOSE ARE DIRTY FEELINGS.
S: and in response, Emmett starts thinking of Rosalie and sex and he’s like THOSE DON’T COUNT!!
HAHAHAHA
*mind bullets*

S: One day, Emmett sees Edward IMing with Bella and his screen name is something ridiculous
P: MyNonHeartBleedsForBella
S: and emmett starts in on how he’s such an emo little brat and esme swoops in
P: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING EMOTIONAL EMMETT. BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW, WHAT WITH YOU HAVING A PERSONALITY OF A BOULDER.
Then he feels bad about that later and has to apologize for his heinous outburst.
S:until rose makes a comment about how there’s definitely parts of Emmett that she doesn’t mind being hard as a boulder and Edward loses all composure and runs out into the forest
WHY MUST YOU DEFILE YOURSELF BY SAYING THOSE THINGS, ROSALIE?
he says as he slams the door
He’s gone for 3 days and instead of looking for him, Emmett plays XBOX
P: Bella’s like, uh, where’d Edward go?
And then *Jasper comes out of the shadows*
S: They get a call from the Denali coven
“CAN YOU PLEASE COME GET HIM, HIS CATERWAULING IS SCARING AWAY ALL OUR PREY”
And Carlisle sighs and runs to Alaska to bring him home
P: Tanya says: HE’S HOT AND ALL, BUT REALLY
WE LIKE THE HUMAN MEN BETTER, THEY’RE NOT SO EMO
Which of course starts the whole, it’s okay to be emotional thing again.
S: the whole way home from Alaska, Carlisle is talking Edward down
P: Edward cries out to the heavens: IS THERE NO WHERE I CAN GO TO BE MYSELF?
S: and by that time, they’re back in Forks and Emmett hears him
and yells, “NO, WARDO, THERE ISN’T” AND TACKLES HIM WHILE THINKING OF DIRTY SEX JOKES
the impact of his arrival home drives Edward to go lock himself in the bathroom
P: *Jasper comes out from behind the shower curtain*
S: and then Edward feels bad
I’M SORRY, WERE YOU USING THIS TO CRY? I’LL LEAVE YOU BE
and Jasper laughs
and runs to Alice’s room
EVEN JASPER MOCKS ME
NO ONE LOVES ME EXCEPT MY BELLA

P: He calls Bella to talk and she’s over at Jacob’s
Where she gets no cell reception
When she gets back to Forks she has like twenty texts from Edward
HAVE YOU LEFT ME LOVE?
I PINE FOR YOU.
S: WHERE ARE YOU
PLEASE CALL ME, I MISS YOU DESPERATELY
P: Two seconds later:
BELLA MY NON-HEART IS BREAKING IN TWO
S: so she calls him and says she was in la push
HAVE YOU CHOSEN HIM?
I UNDERSTAND
YOU CAN HAVE A NORMAL HUMAN LIFE, I’LL LEAVE YOU ALONE
and she tells him no, that he’s still it for her and he weeps, without tears
THANK YOU MY LOVE, YOU HAVE SAVED MY HEART AND MIND FROM TERRIBLE SUFFERING
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE, THE ONLY PERFECT BEING, IN MY LIFE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME
P: And she’s like, Uh, thanks Edward.
Love ya too babe.

S: And Emmett’s always mad because Edward is watching Lifetime
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS PANSY CRAP, WARDO??
GROW A PAIR!
Edward looks all confused
P: A PAIR OF WHAT EMMETT?
S: And when Emmett thinks the answer, Edward gets even more confused
I ALREADY HAVE A PAIR OF THOSE, EMMETT, THEY’RE PART OF MY ANATOMY
And Emmett says ‘WELL THEN ACT LIKE IT’ and steals the remote and puts it on, like Nascar
P: YEAH! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO HIT THE WALL TO-NIGHT!

S: and one day, Edward chooses to pick up Yoga
and the only person who will do it with him is Alice
he stops yoga quickly because the positions make Emmett think all kind of impure thoughts, and he yells
IF I COULD BLUSH, I WOULD, YOU INFANTILE MANCHILD!
Alice shrugs and keeps going
P: The yoga instructor shushes him.
S: *jasper sneaks a look at Alice in yoga pants and instantly approves*

S: my iPod started playing Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” and I almost said it was one of Edward’s favorite songs
besides, Edward would only dance to Jamiroquai
P: Emmett “rick rolls” Edward’s blog posts
And Edward totally doesn’t get why it’s funny
Edward totally hearts Center Stage.
S: THAT JODY SAWYER IS TALENTED
HOW DARE THAT COOPER CAD TAKE HER LOVE FOR GRANTED
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO MY BELLA
P: Edward takes ballet lessons and sets up a studio in the basement
He prefers leotards to tights.
S: although
sometimes, when he goes in, he feels sad because he remembers when James bit bella so he goes into a mini-depression
right in the middle of the studio, he collapses on the floor
I AM NOT WORTHY OF HER LOVE
Emmett sees him once and decides his crumpled form would make for good target practice, so he starts throwing things at him
*jasper hides behind the door*
P: Emmett brings a fog machine in the room and writes dirty messages on the mirrors
Then turns on the fog machine when Edward’s in there
S: and draws dirty stick figures
P: WHAT DOES THIS SAY?
S: Edward is chagrined
P: BELLA WOULD NEVER EMMETT
IS THIS RENESMEE AND A DOG?
IT IS NOT JACOB’S FAULT HE IS AN ANIMAL
YOU ARE THE TRUE ANIMAL HERE EMMETT
S: HOW DARE YOU, he yells as he picks up one of the objects emmett threw at him and throws it at the mirror
it breaks and he instantly feels bad
I RUIN EVERYTHING I TOUCH
and he runs back to him room, forlorn

P: He goes hunting in his leotard
IT BREATHES EMMETT
IT IS ALSO COMPLETELY WASHABLE
S: THE FRESH AIR FEELS NICE ON MY SKIN
P: The mountain lions die of laughter before he can kill them
S: so he climbs a tree and stays there for hours
he’s brought a journal in which to record his thoughts
DEAR DIARY, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, I AM ALONE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN EXISTENCE I HAVE
P: Edward totally uses a quill pen and ink

S: ONE DAY, RENESMEE COMES UP TO HIM AND SHOWS HIM EMMETT AND JASPER DANCING AROUND LIKE FAIRIES IN THE BALLET STUDIO, AND LAUGHING
HE SCREAMS
EMERGENCY FAMILY MEETING!!!!
I CAN NO LONGER TOLERATE THIS MOCKERY.
But Bella comes over right in the middle of his rampage and he becomes mush, immediately
OH MY DARLING, I LOVE YOU SO, AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU THERE CAN BE NOTHING WRONG IN THE WORLD
and he sweeps her up the stairs to his room as Emmett makes crude gestures behind him
P: And they spend the entire night cuddling. Bella falls asleep in the middle of Edward talking because she’s so bored.
Edward continues to whisper
S: until she starts snoring
P: So he has to yell
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL EVEN IN SLUMBER
S: she starts awake,afraid maybe he went non-vegan-vamp
P: She moans Jake’s name and Edward gets worried
S: and runs to La Push to confront him
But it’s 4AM and Jake is asleep so he walks along the river, pondering his life

S: also: Edward likes boy band music.